The Closing of a Chapter and Beginning a New One
16 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: dating, family, kids, love, new, relation, relationships, widowed
Many days, many moments I honestly thought my heart was just stone. He left it broken, cold, thinking pain was the norm, how would I know how to feel any other way? I am not sure why abuse must be a cycle but it is. It is a cycle that began when my husband was a child and the vicious cycle continued. It is a cycle that has been broken now, I will ensure they only know love, not hatred. Hatred was my life, smiling was forced, pain was easy, wearing a mask was part of my daily life and numb was my game.
It took a full 6 months for me to truly laugh again. I will never forget, Ragan and Taylor swinging at the park and Tay asked me to swing too. I did and for the first time in months I smiled and laughed. It was an unfamiliar feeling but it was great. This road has been paved with major setbacks, major victories and just some small internal wins.
I decided early on that I was just fine being numb, numb was good, it kept everyone out. Numb, what kind of life is that? I did not want to deal with life, my cards, my hand it sucked. I did do numb for a while, well until I got tired of being cold and hard. The road was not going to be simple and come to find out I was my own worst enemy.
Learning forgiveness when you are forgiving a memory is hard, learning to forgive yourself for things that only you blame yourself for is damn near impossible. How do you forgive when there is nothing to forgive? I know, good question. Well I did indeed figure out how to forgive and how to let go but my next hurdle may have been the biggest.
The closing of a chapter and shutting the door. I wrote a letter to a dead man, yep asking him to understand that it is over, it is time to fall, time to let the pain and hurt end. Believe it or not, this was probably the best idea that coach has ever had. She told me to try and I said my usual that she was crazy but I did it anyway. It sounds crazy I know but it worked. Anyway, we are all a bit crazy so it wasn’t too crazy a thought. I closed it, it is over and I feel like the weight has been lifted. I told him that I forgave him, that the kids are great and I even told him that “he” treats me good and I want to go forward with Ray, “he.” I told him that “he” makes me smile, laugh and just loves our family. The kids like him, Ragan has really taken to him and he adores her. He takes time listening to them, comes places with us and even sits for 4 hours to watch Ragan compete. He is good and it is time I have your blessing to be happy.
I am opening a new chapter and I am not sure where it will lead but I know I am happy. I thought my heart would never feel again but I am watching as it is falling beyond my control. The way he looks at me, the sweet way he smiles and watching his effort with my family, I’d be crazy not to fall. Step by step is our plan, day by day, moment by moment. I can say that any time I have gotten scared, he didn’t run, he helped as much as he could. I am certainly not saying this is perfection, nothing is perfect. For a survivor, the love world can be a scary place to think of ending up but with him it may not be so bad, and I know I am not alone. So, I may not know much about good feelings and great relationships but I can say this, it just feels right, and right is good!
Here’s to closing a chapter and opening a brand new one!
Happy Mother’s Day
13 May 2012 Leave a Comment
Mother’s Day, well it is a wonderful day where we as mothers are celebrated. It is indeed that and though we all have families, for some it is just difficult. Some of us are blessed enough to still have our mom and some are stuck longing for the mom they lost. Some are fortunate enough to have never buried a child and some of us long for the day we see that child again. Some have dreamed of having children but it just hasn’t happened. Some are missing a spouse and know that as a single mom, well let’s be honest, the gifts no longer exist.
I have a friend and she lost her mom a couple years ago and I know though she has a beautiful family, tomorrow has to feel horribly different. As a daughter we know that one gift, one really special gift will come from mom. Moms just handle it, they know us better than our spouse and our children. I know I always look forward to giving my mom a special gift and in return she tells me how proud she is, its awesome. I know it must be hard to not have that. But that friend, my friend, yeah she has a huge surprise coming. Its not her mom but its full of good hearted love and lots of appreciation. Hopefully it will tell her that I did exactly what Mama J would do!
If you have ever lost a child you already know the pain in our hearts is always there, it never leaves. On Mother’s Day, well we feel short changed, robbed, that child should be here with us and he should be making our day by saying Happy Mother’s Day just like his siblings. It is just another day that reminds us of our blessings but also our longing for a child.
A single mom is reminded of just how alone she is and trust me some days seem that much more alone. No more breakfast in bed and if you do get breakfast in bed you will be the one cleaning the mess. I mean its great they put in the effort but really, I’d rather do it myself and contain the mess. Just saying kids, its great to try but there is no dad to clean up after you.
So with all this being said, people remember to look behind you. I may be missing my son more than normal today, may feel very much like a single mom but I still looked behind to see a friend that may be hurting as much as me. Wish a single mom Happy Mother’s day, buy a little something for a mom missing her child, think of all the moms that are missing their own moms terribly. Always remember those behind you, it never hurts to bring an unexpected smile to someone! Do the right thing and remember others, it never hurts to help!
Happy Mother’s Day to all and from my heart to your’s, I am so sorry if you are hurting on this day!
A Bit Hard
10 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: angels, children, family, friends, heaven, kids, loss, widow
Sometimes, not often but sometimes I wonder if God really meant to make it a bit hard for me. Not saying that I question whether or not he knows what he is doing, I know he is God, of course he knows. I just wonder if it is really supposed to be this hard. I usually come to the conclusion that yes, as I stated he is God, it is exactly the way it should be.
When my son Jordan, my little sunshine passed away I was crushed. Crushed is more than likely an understatement, I was beyond devastated. I thought I would be better off dead and wondered why God left me behind, a broken, shattered, helpless mother that wanted to have her son back. We carry our children for months, we pray for them, hope for them, have dreams for them and sometimes we must let go of those dreams and accept the fact that they are in heaven. No matter how wrong you think it is, how bad it hurts, nothing matters because God needed them more than us. Yes, it takes a long time to admit that but we know from faith that it’s true.
I remember shortly after losing Jordan my best friend, Lacey, was getting married. I remember having such a hard time, no one knew but codeine and I were best buds, I pulled it as together as possible but not really smiling just composed. I recall hearing from across the room, “Hey Aim!” That’s what T called me as long as I could remember. I quickly looked up and grinned. He came and played with the kids and gave me a big ole hug, a Terry hug! Finally a smile appeared.
How many memories do you think you can have with a friend that was a part of your daily life from the time you were 2yrs? Digging for “fossils,” camping under a truck shell, playing in the woods, hide n go seek, making tapes pretending to be ABC newscasters, the list could continue forever. Oh, got to add this one though, getting a sheet at Aunt Vicki’s and T pulling all of us around the house. We shared everything, we all did. We were all so tight, we could finish each other’s sentences without thinking. It was crazy how close we all were but amazingly blessed as well!
Ragan’s first day of 4th grade and wouldn’t you know, already selling candy. I was frustrated and needed some corn so I ran to the corner store. All of a sudden I catch a glimpse of the tv, “at least one officer shot.” I heard that and my heart sank, Terry, Jay and numerous other people rush to my thoughts. As soon as I get home ring, ring, the phone. My mom, “hey how are you?” Um I guess fine why mom, why? Nothing, I hear her voice crack as she says she will call me back. I knew by her voice, Terry or Jay had been hurt and it was bad. Another call, its Bridget, “Amy, its Ttterrry.” She was stuttering and I was hoping I misheard her but my heart had known already for about 10 minutes because part of my heart had gone to heaven with T. My childhood memories rushed back, all my memories of life with T came flooding back as I sit on the ground in disbelief. It was as though someone just stole my son and now my friend, it just wasn’t fair.
Sitting at T’s services it hits me, I’m gonna be a widow. I remember my mom just looking at me and she knew what I was thinking. How could this be possible? Why would God take them from me, from us? A few short years later I did become a widow. I recall my Aunt Vicki coming to the hospital, I know she had no clue but I saw Terry that day and a few other times too. I recall going to the cemetery daily while Mike was dying and just talking to my confidante, Terry. I was losing my husband, the father of my kids, and though my marriage was hard core to say the least, he was still my husband. I recall telling the doc to pull the plug and my mind was not there, Terry held my hand the entire time, he never let me fall. Like the footprints prayer, he carried me in the sand. I think God made an exception for me, maybe he realized my faith had died but I needed someone so he let T come carry his friend one last time. I also have a felling that perhaps he told that husband if mine that he should have treated me better but knowing Terry, he just like me forgave him seeing he was very sorry. And I know when we lost her son, when we lost sweet Tyler a few months ago, my guys all 3 of them welcomed that sweet boy that God needed more than we did.
I dont particularly know why some of us must bury children, why we must say goodbye to our closest friends or our spouse but i do know one thing. God does know what he is doing. Not everyone is lucky enough to learn love from a child that is needed in heaven. Not everyone is lucky enough to say that one of your bestest friends is a hero and he sees that child you long for everyday and he loves him just as you do. Not everyone is lucky enough to live through hell with a spouse and instead of leading hatred you learn compassion and adversity. Not everyone is lucky enough to have known a young man that came from a broken home, broken mom yet he stood tall, yep that Tyler was one brave kid! And most of all, not everyone is lucky enough to have angels sureound surround at all times, ready to hold your hand and carry you in the sand. See sometimes we look at things wrong, perhaps we should remember just how lucky we are that God placed these people in our lives. Thank you guys, you will always be loved and never forgotten.
To my special angels, Jordan, Terry, Mike and Tyler!
I know you are all looking upon us with a smile, in the kingdom of God, Paradise!
Fall
09 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: beach, dating, family, kids, life, love, relationships, single, vacation, widow, widowed
I have often sat back and wondered if I would get a chance to fall for someone and let go of my fears. I have put up a huge, concrete barrier between my heart and the entire outside world. I guess after being in a horrible sad and hateful marriage for 13 years I was of course scared and lets not even mention how scarred, I never wanted the world to see. The hurt is not the only thing that came from that marriage. A great deal of happy moments, courageous moments, family moments and even some smiling moments. It was not all horrible, no one can fight all day and night. There were quiet, loving moments, they were far and few between but even still, they did exist.
I came out a battered, mentally struggling, broken widow but I went in a sweet, fun, happy kid. How to find my way back to not necessarily that kid but an adult version of that kid, that was my question and it was up to me to figure it out. I knew she was there, it was just finding and revealing her. Oh, it was going to be a huge challenge but with lots of work I found her. Little by little the broken went in the shell and the real me popped out. All of a sudden we were all ok. It was not as though we forgot or missed him any less, we just learned to move forward. We all learned that this would be our new normal and we were good. The kids flourished, they began to be really happy again, I wasn’t faking smiles, the kids were smiling again, it just became ok. 
So, the next thing in line was the dating. Oh dear God, I am quite sure I can not handle this but I will give it a shot. It turns out that if you aren’t walking with your head down and you actually put some effort in appearance, getting dates is rather easy. Getting dates would certainly not be the challenge, this wall, yeah huge challenge.
I went into this whole dating game with my own hidden agenda. I knew what I wanted and baby I wasn’t settling for anything less. Money, money, money honey. Ok, maybe I should not admit that but being as I had just had everything I ever owned stolen and supported a man with a gambling habit, it made plenty sense. Don’t judge, you ain’t never walked in my shoes honey! Those poor guys, they were about to get my wrath and didn’t even know it. The bad thing was that I did not even know it, I was about to embark on dating while still blaming Mike for everything I felt and I would begin taking my rage out on every other man I could.
It was nothing for me to tell one to go screw his self. He did not have to do anything to deserve my poor behavior but the man before all of them sure did. I am not even sure I knew why I was so awful to them, I just was. I would try and try to figure it out and I never could. I know this is going to sound awful but it became quite comical and an ongoing joke for at least a year. My friends knew if I was texting them late at night that I had just ran another man off. It was as though we were all waiting for it.
I think the best was poor RC. Poor thing, I would tell him off and he just shook it off everytime. He kept returning for more of my mouth, maybe he was the crazy one. Ok well he was indeed crazy but for an entire different reason. He decided that he was in love with me BUT, yeah BUT he explained how he still wanted to date other people. Now I must say that one took the cake and the pi and everything in between. Up until a week ago he would still text me professing his love for me. In a moment you will completely understand why I stopped that daily confession.
The wall, would I ever manage to take it down or would someone do it for me. I finally figured out why I told all of them off, I wanted to be the hurter not the one getting hurt. I am tired of being hurt, tired of not knowing what falling feels like, tired of being scared. I took an entire day and did something that set me free. I wrote Mike. I told him I forgive him, I will always love him and be thankful but it is time. I explained to him that I met someone and I could not throw this one back, he was different. I told him goodbye and for the first time I actually meant it. He will forever be a part of me but it was time, time to close the chapter.
It was a chapter that certainly deserves a special place in my heart but the hurt had to go, the resentment had to go and the anger had to be released. Forever grateful because I adore my family but us, our chapter needed to be closed for a while so I went to the cemetery and read him the letter and I let him go. I felt crazy but it actually worked. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I was finally SINGLE, a single mom, single woman, single Amy.
So I gather you have figured out that I did meet someone. Not just someone but a man that can make me laugh through my tears. A man that cares not only about me but my kids and family as well. Yes he has met my family, its a first. A man that can touch my arm and my heart skips a beat. A man that walks me to my car, holds the door for me, holds an umbrella over my head, a man that has sat in a gym with no air and it was 90 degrees outside just to watch my baby compete. A man that takes my daughter and niece midnight bowling just so he can get to know them. A man that looks at me as though I am the only woman alive and smiles that smile that melts my heart. 
The kids and I have been living again. Mardi Gras, the beach, laughing, playing and just being us. They are happy for me, happy with them and they even like him. We as a family are living the way we should be. Living some times for the moment, at times spontaneous, at times we add a great man and his son, we are just enjoying life. It’s nice to have a couple additions at times and at times its nice that those additions understand that at times, well at times I just have to have “Mommy and Kiddo” time.
So here’s the thing, I may not know how it feels to fall but I have a feeling that it feels alot like this. He texts me good morning, good night and asks about my day. Little does he know, I am great as long as he is in my world. I may have never truly fallen, I did the right thing and now, now it’s my turn to fall. The funny thing is that the Great Wall of Amy has never even showed with him. I am not scared, not broken, not a victim, nor a widow, I am just me and I know he will catch me, he already is.
My Best Gift in Years
04 May 2012 Leave a Comment
So the pic up there depicts just how long its been since I have had all my kids at a single vacation, all at the same time. Kids get older, become teenagers and have no desire to spend time with us, the parents. It has been so long, I really miss doing new things with them, not just one at a time but enjoying my FAMILY!
Well my birthday is a very hard time for me, especially this one as Jordan would be 13 exactly 29 days after my b’day. Its a hard thing to swallow that your child should be a teenager and you dont even know what kind of a person he would have become. Mothers day is not any easier, what mother doesn’t want to spend mothers day with her children. It can be difficult.
This year is sure to be different! My life is good, I am happy and he brings a smile to my face all day long! My kids want to all be together for this one and we are gonna have so much fun. We will have a car load as we hit the road tomorrow morning in route to Gulf Shores, they will argue, I am sure between Ragan and Cam we will make 10 stops but I will enjoy every stop we make.
At times focusing on the good things is difficult especially this time of the year but for Jordan’s 13th we are doing it up right! The last trip to the beach with Mike was the first time we left Michael home, he was a teen and wanted to stay and be independent. Well that trip certainly ended with a huge BANG! Mrs Brumfield this is officer man with the LP sheriff dept, we have your son. I hang up and start cussing, hand Mike the phone and tell him to deal with it. I then decide that no I want to deal. I answer and immediately ask what are the charges, as he is naming them I could feel the color leaving my face and the angry red taking over. Again I hand Mike the phone but not until I tell that officer that he can keep my son! Ok I was a bit angry to say the least.
Luckily we are past all that and I am proud to say Michael has become a fine young man that I am very proud of.
Underdogs Doesn’t Begin To Cover It
30 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
Here it was Saturday morning and we have a meet to attend, I know pretty typical. Nope this was far from typical, this was the High School State and three young ladies that are only freshman would be taking a huge stage. They were perhaps the youngest, smallest team that would compete for division 1. They acted as though they were unphased by this but the moms knew better.
It took 3 girls to be a team, no room for errors, no getting to drop a low score, nope it was on, the pressure was certainly on them. Started out on floor, Ragan would go 1st and an impressive 9.3 to start things off. Hayden followed with a 9.35 and Kylie with a 9.45 to end their first rotation. Strong start to say the least but 3 more events lie in front.
Bryan did not want injuries and was hesitant with vault. He had them all play it safe, I guess safe was good enough. They all got very high 8′s which was impressive as their high was only 9.0 possible. Two events down and they were on fire! They were in the lead with 2 events remaining! The problem was that one mistake was going to be all it would take to lose that #1 spot.
Good thing our girls are AMAZING! Bars are next, Ragan’s hardest event since her back fracture but baby, they nailed it. All with 9′s and Hayden ended bars with a remarkable 9.85! They looked beautiful and so poised. One event remaining, of course the most difficult by far!
Beam is all that is remaining, all that stands in their way. One mistake and they could lose it. Ragan started it off with a flawless 9.45 performance followed by Kylie who though she fell, she finished strong with a 9.3. Hayden would come and cap us off with a huge performance to clinch the division title.
They sat and wondered if they would even place, surprised as they called DSHS for the division state championship. It was a wonderful sight to see the once 6 yr old team members stand on the podium as now 15 yr old freshman once again showing the rest of the state what a real team should look like. They were once tiny little level 4 gymnast that just loved to do ‘nastics and here they were as level 8 & 9 gymnast that still love ‘nastics.
Though this sport has kicked their butts, beat them down, made them bleed, sweat, cry, it has also made them smile the most beautiful of smiles. They were a team and by standing together they held each other the entire time. They cheered for everyone, were happy for each of their accomplishments, they were an amazing TEAM!
I can’t say that one impressed me more than the others. What actually impressed me was they won because they were not individuals, they did not care where they as individuals placed, they were only a team and it showed!
I am so proud of our team!
#1 baby, congratulations to our team, Ragan, Kylie and Hayden!
Back Together 7 Years Later
27 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: amazing, dream, friends, gymnastics, love, relationship
Ragan, Kylie and Hayden will represent Livingston Parish DSHS on Saturday in the LHSS gym meet. They will be a team and I know they will kick butt! These girls started their gymnastics careers together at CG’S gymnastics when they were about 6 years old. The road has been broken, chopped, sloped and repaved but they all remained tight regardless of where their road brought them.
Level 4 gymnastics seems like an eternity ago. Those sweet little girls, hugging, high giving, clapping, cheering, yes it was a great sight. They were so little and cute and we as parents were so proud and naive. Yep, our girls were certainly headed for the olympics, there was no doubt! It was so much fun and such a great honor to watch these tiny girls begin their AMAZING careers.
A few months later and personal problems cause me to pull Ragan and put her at a different gym. Talk about one of my hardest decisions ever. I loved her friends, my friends, the coaches, it just had to be though. It broke my heart but when the next season rolled around and each of those people showed their caring, friendships were as though we did not leave. We were at a different gym yet we were just as cared about at the old one, it was, well I can’t even explain it was just awesome.
Next to leave would be Kylie. I think we were all chasing perfection and just never realized that perhaps perfection was not in their performance but in the love and care we were already shown. I know me and Kylie’s mom knew that perhaps at the time we certainly did what was best for our children and our family but the love and caring would never measure to what we had at CG’S.
We lost Ragan’s dad and a change was not only needed but inevitable. I spoke to the coaches that showed concern, said they were so sorry and I knew still cared though I took her from them. They acted as family and I knew she had to be back at CG’S and honestly I needed them just as bad. Finally Ragan had Hayden and Pam to help her find her way back and through injury, loss, heart break, they sure showed her the way back.
Well you would know, we are gym moms and we will stop at absolutely nothing to help our kids succeed. Hayden leaves CG’S. Now Ragan is at CG’S, Kylie at Elite and Hayden at Cypress Point. They are all separated but the amazing thing is, they were only separated by gyms not by hearts. They cheered each other on so much, at times I think they wanted to help Ragan so much that they would have been more excited to see her win over themselves. They have a bond that has kept them close but I still miss seeing them all on the same team, I miss those little 6 year olds hugging and cheering on the sidelines even if they scored a 7, they were still excited.
Gym moms watch blood, sweat, broken bones, heartbreak, falls, far more let downs than triumphs but when there is a triumph it is unreal, the most amazing thing in the world. Its then that you realize, yes this is why we deal with all the tears, this one beautiful smile makes it all worth while. When your daughter gets that first kip, nails that first flip flop on beam, lands after a giant on both feet, yes ma’am its when you look to heaven and thank god for that one special moment. I recall seeing our 3 girls working those kips and the joy when they all had them. We were some proud mommas.
I dont think anyone one of us honestly realized just how special and beautiful their careers would be but we would soon find out. Not only their careers but God we are some lucky moms. Our kids cheer for the other team regardless of what any coach or team mate thinks. These girls over the years have been the wind under each other’s wings and as moms we have helped each other just as much.
I am going to speak for my beautiful friends here and say I think we all feel the same. Ragan, Kylie and Hayden, it has been one of our greatest honors to watch you all in your gymnastics careers as well as life. You are all absolutely amazing and we are all so proud of each of you, not only for your achievements but also in the determination to pick yourselves up after disappointment. As 6 year olds you were all going to the olympics, as teenagers we are proud and anxious to see what amazing things lie in your futures. All of you should be so proud of your gymnastics careers and how well you all have turned out. I dont know any team members that have continued to carry, cheer, love and just be there for each other like the 3 of you. You all are amazing young people. I can’t wait to see you all together as a team representing your school this weekend. After 7 years apart and once again it will be Ragan, Kylie and Hayden leading the way! Good luck girls and remember, we are beyond proud of you all.
GO DSHS! Ragan, Kylie and Hayden you know you got this!
Only My Opinion Counts
20 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
Point blank, its either my way or the highway. I may not get my way all the time but when I dont that’s when my mouth decides my next move without any regard for consequence. Yes my mouth gets me in trouble from time to time but, this is me. I am far from perfect but I am perfectly me and I for one am ok with that.
I did not come to this realization on my own. No a close friend asked me a question which led me to my conclusion. So Amy, if he would do exactly what you want him to do then it would be ok? Well geez when you put it that way it sounds bad but basically yeah, that’s about right. I mean seriously, why is that so bad?
Well turns out there are dozens of reasons that is not quite right but it seems to make no difference to me. I am too old to change my ways now so someone will just have to see things my way. Oh I have tried to perhaps think a bit before speaking and tried to just let things pan out on their own but where is the fun in that? The bad thing is that my guy friend made me a bet that I couldn’t leave it and not have the last word. I held strong for nearly two days but then it just exploded like a ticking bomb, BAMM! He sticks around so maybe wanting it my way is somewhat acceptable or maybe he just really does care.
Poor thing, I used to let it rip on him too. He was smart enough to figure me out though. He told me, all I have to do is pretend I hear you, let you speak your piece and let it go until tomorrow. He was one of the first in that seat but he took it and never once held it against be, he acted like it never happened. Of course now we joke and laugh about it but it’s all in good fun. He knows what I expect and I even know what he expects and we respect each other and never argue and I never have to tell him off.
In my journey of realization that I am like BurgerKing, I want it my way right away, I have decided to an extent its ok. No its not ok to curse or yell at someone but it is ok to expect respect. In the end that is all I want is respect. I may have my own way of voicing my opinions, I may like to have the last word but really it boils down to respect.
I have decided that I will know when the right fish comes into my life, he won’t run and act as though I just killed someone merely because I spoke my mind. I am me, outspoken, opinionated, perhaps a bit bossy but all and all, I am a good woman. Actually I am a freaking great woman, I just like my opinions to be voiced and one day he will appreciate that too. If not I’ll just tell him off and throw him back!
Life is full of good humor you just have to be willing to open your eyes and see it! Have a good day everyone and remember, laughter is the key to happiness!
Dude, Something is Off Here!!
17 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: abuse, dating, dreams, funny, humor, life, widow
Ok so I’ve been off and on with this man for about 7 months. We get along great most times and I am not even certain we have had a true argument. Now by off and on again I mean we still see other people at this point but sometimes its exclusive. I have a key to his house and he has not been to mine. We go out but at times we just sizzle out. It has been a good thing, we just click.
So I get a call the other morning, “Hey, do you have time for breakfast I need to talk to you?.” I tell him sure and I meet him at Frank’s which is on my way to school. We are just sitting sharing dating stories and laughing. Yeah, I told you its complicated! Breakfast comes and we are trying to eat but talk and laugh at the same time. Now I must admit this man asks about my kids by name always, he cares as do I. As we are talking, the next words made me choke but not because of the first part but the words said after.
“Amy I need to tell you, I am in love with you.” Oh lord, that’s my first thought but my thinking would soon turn to humor. “I am in love with you BUT I still want to date other people.” Let the laughter begin as I look at him having first choked and then laughing. Haha you are so funny, you actually had me going for a moment. He starts asking what I mean by that. Yeah he was being serious.
There are so many levels in which this statement is humorous that I do not know where to begin. I try very hard to focus and use some tact in my explanation but not sure it worked. I am not gonna say his name, he is already gonna kill me for posting this but, I have to share. Dude, first off you are certainly not in love with me if you were we would not be on and off. Second, how in the hell does that even make sense? You dont fall in love and want to pursue other options, you usually would stop for the one you “love.” I dont know but for real I am. I finally and this very enlightening breakfast by explaining love to him and tell him to tell me he loves me when he no longer urges the company of other women. It ends with him hollering across the parking how he is serious.
Every morning I wake to the same text, “Good morning, do you believe me yet? I love you.” In response he gets ” And how is that desire to date other people?” Sometimes he responds asking why I must ask that and if he had a date the night before he usually will not respond. That’s right, he is indeed still in love but dating other women and I know about it. Just the other night J and I were eating and lets say lover boy and his date walk in. He comes to the table and I introduce him as a friend and as he is walking away he looks at me and mouths I love you.
You may all be thinking that he is just dating because I am and that he is in love but you would be wrong. He initiated the lets date other people, not me. It was cool and we agreed that we would still go on dates still just kind of back off. This has worked great and we have since discussed no more saying the three words until he is no longer interested in dating others or he decides he wants to be a polygamist. Of course if he goes into polygamy he is on his own, I am not into sister wives and crap.
As you can see this dating world can be quite amusing at times, confusing at others and a whole hell of alot of fun most times! I can fairly certainly say that lover boy and I will continue to date and be off and on until one of us does truly fall in love. He may be a bit confused, inconsiderate at times, showers me with gifts mostly, but we were meant to help each other get past hard times, I dont think it will ever be more.
I can say this, I love my head phones, loved Atlanta aquarium, love the shopping for clothes, even love him but I love him like he loves me.
So dude, I love you BUT I still want to date other guys. I still say there is something seriously wrong with that statement!! However, life is good and he is a huge part of that so he may be whacked out but I sure am glad he is in my life, maybe he can one day be my best man! Lol
Born to Fly
13 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: family, heart, love, widow
I like to say that I was born to fly, do extraordinary things in my life and that’s part of why I believe I have faced so much advercity. Life made me an underdog but in the meanwhile I was growing my wings so I could take flight. In the midst of all my battles my wings were being formed and this underdog was learning all the while. I never allowed myself to go through hard times without learning at least one important lesson but admittedly I did allow one thing to affect my life more than it should.
After months and months of me claiming R had a commitment problem I had to face that it’s me. I have an absolute fear of commitment. I could give him the world but my heart, that’s where the line gets drawn. If I am faced with commitment I am gonna run, just ask and I run fast.
Lately I realized that by running I am allowing Mike the victory, I am handing him another chance to win. That is 100% not what I desire yet I allow it. The bad thing is that it is not a fear of getting hurt, I am ok with getting my heart broke, I really am. With that being said I had to face what it really is, what is the fear of commitment I have.
This is very hard to admit but my fear of commitment is actually a fear of knowing that if I give my heart then I am closing, completely closing a chapter, my life or what was my life. Honestly I would think I should most certainly be fully ready to not only close that chapter but slam it closed. The hurt, fights, illness, yeah you would certainly think so. The problem is that not only does he lie in that chapter but so does my son, my friend, and the birth of my children and watching as they grew up.
I have always been told that the key to any problem is the admittance, well I sure hope so. I have moved so far ahead, done so many great things but for some reason my wings act as though they are clipped when it comes to matters of the heart.
Flying I will continue in the directions of my dreams, following each one as though God is holding my hand. Helping others I will always do as long as I live. Following the desires of my heart, well that I will work on and before long I will be following it too. After all, I have wings and I was meant to fly!
